Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Mistake

This time last year, I was sailing smoothly along, enjoying all that my newfound dating life had to offer. It was great. I was exploring and learning more about myself than I had expected. The summer was great and the year kept an overall high note. While there were ups and downs, I could honestly say I didn't regret any of it. I didn't regret any of it until I did. Sails, meet vacuum.

I don't know that this is the end of the blog, but I might have reached my limit.  I made a mistake that I cannot undo. I didn't hurt anyone or act maliciously. But, I was reckless and I put myself in a bad situation. I won't go into all the details. Even if I did tell all, the details wouldn't convey the magnitude of how hard this mistake hit me. It wasn't even about the details. There was a date. There was empty sex. It's not a whole lot different than some of the others before. But, this time, my actions weighed on me like a ton of bricks. More. It was like I was buried to the knees in bricks.

The past year has been an amazing experience. I have had the opportunity to explore not just my sexuality, but my self. I have had a chance to step out of the role I had felt pushed into. Once I stepped out of that role, I was able to breathe. It was freeing. It was exciting. It was wonderful to be able to share all the good and the bad. I wanted to be a sounding board for women that wanted to explore life outside of the expectations society had put on them. I wanted to crack jokes and have fun along the way. And I did. What I did not want to do is be a role model. I wrote because I needed a record. I wrote because I needed support. And I got that. I was never in a place to become a voice for women. I am still on the journey to find my own voice. I am still trying to figure out right from wrong for me.

And, right now, I feel guilty. I wasn't going to write this, but I think it's the only responsible thing to do. I had sex with someone that I did not know. And I did it for all the wrong reasons. I decided months ago that I wasn't having empty sex. I did it a few times and I didn't like it. James, Lewis, Marlon, The Maybe Boyfriend (who perhaps deserved a name more than anyone, but I could never bring myself to name), The Beautiful One, The Player, Todd ... these people all meant something to me.  They may not have, at first, but in my heart, in my gut, I knew they were good guys. I still talk to every one of them, sans Todd.

But, I recently shared myself with a man that I didn't trust. I was not using good judgment and I had a bad feeling the whole time. Then, when I woke up the next morning, I just wanted to be out of there. I wanted it to all be a bad dream. I started realizing he had lied about things and I hadn't even caught on. I didn't care to. My bad judgment was fueled by a bad mood and plane and simple loneliness. This was sex for the wrong reasons. It was reckless and thoughtless. I am left to wonder what I have exposed my mind and body to. I am normally more careful than this. I am disappointed in myself.

All I can do now is move on and learn from this mistake. Sex doesn't have to be all about love. But, I will never let it be about this again. Whatever 'this' was. Sex that leaves a bad feeling, even weeks after it's happened ... Is the ultimate bad sex. So, the blog will go on, but I am going to chill on the sex. I will keep dating, but until I have healed from whatever ails me at the moment, I will not be sharing my bed or body with anyone. I hadn't had much sex before this happened, so I am just going back to that. For this part of my life, I just need friends. I've had enough of all the rest. 

2 comments:

  1. I completely understand. I used to have sex for the wrong reasons and felt hollow for days and sometimes weeks. It made me feel bad. it goes away and with time it fades from your memories. Everything will be okay. And this does not at any moment change who you are or how you should feel about yourself.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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