Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Offended Ditch

I think it's really easy to focus on how we are treated. It's easy to say, "Hey, he/she treated me like shit. That's why we aren't together/friends." It is not easy to see the things we do to others. Self-reflection isn't fun. It doesn't help us rationalize our actions. It leaves us with little-to-no wiggle room within the excuses we create about why we aren't happy, aren't loved, aren't fulfilled, etc.

Sitting down and looking back upon the way I have treated people is about as appealing as putting a mirror in the toilet to watch myself shit. However, while I am going to continue to take a pass on the toilet mirror, I did decide to sit down and look at how I have treat people. Here goes. Get ready to hate me ... now.

In dating, I have people that I see as important and I have people that I, apparently, do not value. I know this is a shit way to act. I know, because I have felt it. As I sit here wondering why the man stopped answering my texts/calls, I know why. Because I have done it. I've talked to men and then just stopped. I have strung men along knowing I wasn't interested, with a hope that something might be sparked. I have kept talking to men because they are good in bed and I want to keep them on reserve.

I have joked with my best friend about a guy calling and spilling his heart after just one date. I have laughed that people fall too quickly. So, as I sit here wondering why this person fell off without so much as a "go fuck yourself," I know why. Because it's not worth it. Nor is it easy to do.

I tell everyone that I make clean breaks. I stop talking to men without warning or word, because it's easier to do. It's cleaner and it leaves little room for a person to think that there is a chance. I do it so that I don't lead anyone on. But, the fact is... I do it because it saves face. I don't have to be the bad guy. I don't have to explain anything. I don't have to apologize. I just have to pray I never see them again. And Once I have decided to stop answering or responding, I don't think about the person again. If they call or text a lot, I make comments like "What the hell, take a hint." And it's true to a certain point.

If something is new, explanation is not necessary. If I decide to stop talking to a person after one date, it's okay. I don't need to tell them that it was just my preference. Not true. Sometimes, it's more appropriate to explain. What it is not necessary to do it play the 'offended ditch' cared. The offended ditch is a phrase I coined. It is the act of playing offended in order to drop someone that you just weren't interested in.

I recently played this card. The fact is, I did feel like the man was dishonest with me. I felt like he had told me lies about his life in order to look more appealing. This was a big part of why I ditched him. But, instead of just saying, "Hey, I'm just not interested," I got mad that I felt like he had created this farce. So, I called him on it. Backed into a corner, he continued to lie and so I told him that it was offensive. It was true, but I didn't have to back him into a corner. But, what was I to do? Is it more appropriate to say I am just not interested? Or should I have been honest about the reasons I didn't want to be with him?

I wouldn't have wanted him whether he was honest or not. It wasn't really the lies that did it. They just sealed the deal. So, the ultimate question is, Does my opinion matter? Just because I don't like someone doesn't make them a bad person. Nor is it my job to socialize daters. I don't know the answer. I don't think it's always fair to drop someone without reason, but I do believe that it is sometimes the best option.

I suppose it's something that I have to figure out piece by piece. Some times there are situations when it's important to share my opinion and some times, it's best to just let it die. I do think from this point on, I will at least tell the person that I am not interested. If they ask why, I will carefully choose an answer. It won't always be totally honest. Because sometimes it's just about preference. And I am not here to make anyone self-concious about something that won't matter one lick to the next person. 

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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