Monday, May 2, 2011

Overly Emotional

Let me start by saying, it wasn't him. It was me. I know how this is phrase is often used, he used it on me. But this time, it's true. My outburst of emotion had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. It was an indication of the things I had going on. And like so many times before, I didn't handle it perfectly. To be honest, the way I handled it was far from perfect. I acknowledge that and I am working to change it.

Here's the background on The Maybe Boyfriend. No part of me ever wanted to be with him. That is the worst part of it. I didn't want him to be my boyfriend. But, I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to be with me. I wanted things from him that I never wanted to give him. I met him. We talked for a couple months. We took a trip and spent a long weekend together. Then we talked for two more months. He was nice and I loved that about him. He was patient and warm. But, he wasn't for me.

At some point, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't want one from him, but upon hearing the words, I wondered why he didn't want one from me. People say they aren't ready for a relationship when they aren't ready for a relationship, but they also say it when they just don't want a relationship from the person to whom they are making the statement. So, why not me?

Then, I got hurt. I was in the hospital for a few days. It was nothing major, but it was enough that I couldn't get around on my own. It was enough that I had to take meds. It was enough to take a toll on me. While in the hospital, I found out some things about my family that upset me deeply. It was dramatic and the timing was awful. I was crushed. I am over 1,000 miles from home and my support system consists of one 21 year old, that I love dearly and have known for 1 year. I shouldn't have been told this information in the hospital. But, I guess you can't decide when shit goes bad.  Sometimes it hits you all at once. That, mixed with the end of my final semester in school, put me under an amount of stress I wasn't ready for.

I don't tell you this to make excuses. I tell you this to say that I don't handle stress well. I thought I did. But these past few weeks have shown me that I do not. I did not. I folded, folks. The pressure was on and I buckled. I got really upset one night and he let me figuratively cry on his shoulder. I was on meds and I don't remember a whole lot of what I said. But, I know I was upset about being hurt and about my family. That was fine. He was nice and supportive. But, the next day, I was embarrassed that I had cried to him. The next week, I was just an emotional mess. I cried every day. I was lonely and I was trying to get around and finish my last week of school on crutches. It's nothing major, but it was apparently enough.

I had been thinking I should stop talking to him. There were things I didn't really like about our interaction. I wanted him to say nice things and he didn't. Or, he did and I just didn't hear it. I hate to point fingers. But, in this case, I think it was me. I think things were fine. He was probably acting just as he should. But, I wanted validation. I wanted him to be the support that he rightfully shouldn't have been. I've been there before. This is a behavior. I wanted him to support me. It is not his job.

I sent him a text. He didn't respond the way I wanted and I told him that I wanted his support. I told him I wanted compliments and for him to say nice things. I asked too much of him. I wasn't crying. It wasn't a situation where I was mad at him. He hadn't done anything. I just said too much. I was wearing my crazy. I let it all out. And I sacrificed our friendship. Now, he probably won't talk to me again and I don't blame him. I actually emailed him two days later and asked that we keep the space he had created. I apologized and I acknowledged that I was out of line.

That email wasn't meant to get attention. I didn't write it in hopes that he would contact me back. I sincerely think we need to not talk. I am far more embarrassed by my actions than I am sad that I am not talking to him. And, that should tell me something. I was using that relationship. I may have felt like a convenience for him, but I know that is what he was for me. I was wrong in all the ways you can be wrong. I didn't want to be with him, but once I found out he didn't want to be with me, I briefly turned into the jaded partner. We weren't even partners.

So, that's what happened, from my point of view. Girl meets boy. Girl talks to boy. Girl kisses boy. Girl get boys goodies on vacation. Girl talks to boy more. Girl and boy agree to not be together. Girl goes crazy via text for 5 minutes. Boy doesn't text back. Girl reads texts later and hides her head under pillow.

I have been on both ends of this. It's never a good feeling, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. We all do things we regret. I regret this. Not, because I want to be with him, but because it's not how I want to handle myself or stress. On the other hand, I am also glad it happened, because I got to own it. I got to say, "Look, I did this. And, I am ashamed, but I did it. And now I need to learn from it." Funny enough, I think part of the problem was that I kept telling him I didn't want a relationship. And, I'm not sure how true that is. I'll let you know more about that as soon as I figured it out.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.