The Mistake

This time last year, I was sailing smoothly along, enjoying all that my newfound dating life had to offer. It was great. I was exploring and learning more about myself than I had expected. The summer was great and the year kept an overall high note. While there were ups and downs, I could honestly say I didn't regret any of it. I didn't regret any of it until I did. Sails, meet vacuum.

I don't know that this is the end of the blog, but I might have reached my limit.  I made a mistake that I cannot undo. I didn't hurt anyone or act maliciously. But, I was reckless and I put myself in a bad situation. I won't go into all the details. Even if I did tell all, the details wouldn't convey the magnitude of how hard this mistake hit me. It wasn't even about the details. There was a date. There was empty sex. It's not a whole lot different than some of the others before. But, this time, my actions weighed on me like a ton of bricks. More. It was like I was buried to the knees in bricks.

The past year has been an amazing experience. I have had the opportunity to explore not just my sexuality, but my self. I have had a chance to step out of the role I had felt pushed into. Once I stepped out of that role, I was able to breathe. It was freeing. It was exciting. It was wonderful to be able to share all the good and the bad. I wanted to be a sounding board for women that wanted to explore life outside of the expectations society had put on them. I wanted to crack jokes and have fun along the way. And I did. What I did not want to do is be a role model. I wrote because I needed a record. I wrote because I needed support. And I got that. I was never in a place to become a voice for women. I am still on the journey to find my own voice. I am still trying to figure out right from wrong for me.

And, right now, I feel guilty. I wasn't going to write this, but I think it's the only responsible thing to do. I had sex with someone that I did not know. And I did it for all the wrong reasons. I decided months ago that I wasn't having empty sex. I did it a few times and I didn't like it. James, Lewis, Marlon, The Maybe Boyfriend (who perhaps deserved a name more than anyone, but I could never bring myself to name), The Beautiful One, The Player, Todd ... these people all meant something to me.  They may not have, at first, but in my heart, in my gut, I knew they were good guys. I still talk to every one of them, sans Todd.

But, I recently shared myself with a man that I didn't trust. I was not using good judgment and I had a bad feeling the whole time. Then, when I woke up the next morning, I just wanted to be out of there. I wanted it to all be a bad dream. I started realizing he had lied about things and I hadn't even caught on. I didn't care to. My bad judgment was fueled by a bad mood and plane and simple loneliness. This was sex for the wrong reasons. It was reckless and thoughtless. I am left to wonder what I have exposed my mind and body to. I am normally more careful than this. I am disappointed in myself.

All I can do now is move on and learn from this mistake. Sex doesn't have to be all about love. But, I will never let it be about this again. Whatever 'this' was. Sex that leaves a bad feeling, even weeks after it's happened ... Is the ultimate bad sex. So, the blog will go on, but I am going to chill on the sex. I will keep dating, but until I have healed from whatever ails me at the moment, I will not be sharing my bed or body with anyone. I hadn't had much sex before this happened, so I am just going back to that. For this part of my life, I just need friends. I've had enough of all the rest. 

Friends?

Why can't we be friends? This is why.

Because we met for the first time to go on a date. That's the beginning of why he and I can not be friends. That's not the only reason. I have been friends with men I've dated. This is not to say it cannot be done. But, this time around it isn't going down that way. 

We went on a few dates. That's no big deal. But, we've also talked on the phone or texted every day for about 5 months. These are also not the reasons we can't be friends. I talk to James and Lewis often. And we made our way comfortably to friendship. It was a natural progression. It just flowed.

Lewis and I even made a mutual agreement that friendship was the best place for us to go, because we cared about each other and we wanted to stay in each other's lives. It was our next step, because it was our next step. 

James and I started out as friends. We talked about our relationships with others. We commiserated and whined to each other. We consulted one another on conflicts and issues. It was great. It was a real friendship from Jump Street. 

This is how all of my friendships have started. They have been this mutually positive progression. They have been about respect and laughs. They are about supporting each other and uplifting one another in times of doubt or confusion. 

What they have not been are a series of consolation prizes. So, when The Maybe Boyfriend suggested we "hang out as friends" I wasn't feeling it one bit. Naw, buddy. Either these hang out sessions are called dates, or we are just hooking up. But we aren't friends. We weren't friends before we went on those few dates and we won't be friends once the dates have ended. 

Don't get me wrong. I really think he's a swell guy. I would have kept dating him. I'm not crushed he doesn't want to go on dates with me anymore. But, switching the time we spend from 'date' to 'hang out' won't happen. I have lots of friends that I can't schedule in for hang out time as it is. I don't need to add your name to the list so we can go for sushi and go dutch while you tell me your dating and work woes. I'd rather do that ish with my homegirls. 

Safer Sex

Sex is never totally safe. Nothing is safe, to be honest. To live life is to risk dying. That having been said, if you value your life, you will take every precaution to preserve it. If you value your sex life, you will take every precaution to preserve that, as well.

There is a difference between knowing that things are not fully safe and just being reckless. So, while it is impossible to be sexually active and have 100% assurance that you are safe from all STDs, it's always a good idea to practice safer sex.

These are the things condoms protect against:

• HIV and AIDS - You guys know this one. It's the one that tears down your immune system and strips your body of it's protection and defenses. It doesn't kill you outright. It's sneakier than that. It just breaks you down so you can't fight off the minor things that wouldn't have killed you without it. Then, it lets those things kill you. So, skip the barebacking and live through your next round with the common cold. 
• Pregnancy - A one-night-stand is not usually the most opportune situation to get pregnant. Babies are wonderful. We all know this. But, unplanned pregnancies can be difficult and are most definitely life-changing. So, just wrap it up and save the amazing sensation for baby making.

Honestly, the research on everything else is spotty.  It's quite clear that condoms don't protect against herpes. So, what are you going to do?

Here's what ... use condoms. Be smart about sex and look at your partner. Not their face. You can't tell what they may or may not have by how they look on the outside. However, herpes is ugly and when someone is having an outbreak, it shows. This is also the time when you are most likely to catch The Herp. So, look at your partner, wrap it up and protect yourself.

We all know I enjoy sex. Therefore, I want to keep having it. But, I have to admit that I needed to slow down. So, I did. I won't be a hypocrite and I won't tell you to do as I say and not as I do. Just protect yourself.  Don't have sex to look for love. The strongest love you can find is the love for yourself. So, if you love yourself, protect yourself. You can't trust what others say. They aren't going to protect you like YOU can protect you.

But, you can also protect your partners. And you should. It's the right thing to do. So, get tested regularly. Know your body. Know your heart and know your mind. If you are using sex for an intimacy void, check yourself and figure out what you need. It's hard to protect yourself when your starving. If you are in need, realize it. Sex is a sticky sticky subject. (Puns always intended.) There is always emotion involved and there is always risk.

Just do your best to know you and to know your partners. And, because you can't know anyone fully, protect the unknown areas. Sex is great, but it's not as great as life. It's just one of the small parts that can make life better, unless it makes life worse. Be smart and be happy. Best wishes and self-love. 

The One-Night-Stand

This was a hook up. It would never be anything more. I met this man with the sole purpose of having sex with him that night. He picked me up, we had a drink. We only had one, because he said I was drinking too slowly. I suppose he didn't want to be out too long. I didn't care. I hadn't planned on dinner. I had only hoped for sex.

So, when we sat down at the table, he made a joke and I made it sexual. We had our one drink. I lightly touched his arm a couple times and he acted like he was going to drive me back to my place. But then, to my surprise, he actually drove me home. As we turned onto my street, he asked if I wanted to go straight home or if I wanted to drive around and talk.

Just as I was about to get out of the car, he posed the subject. He used some strange A, B equation, then he said some metaphor about 'breathing in the air.' I knew what he meant. He wanted to have sex. And he wanted to do it anywhere we could without being seen. The subject of sex in public had come up earlier in the evening. I wasn't feeling the idea of a possible sex offense charge, so I nixed that idea pretty quickly. I said that I was only having sex in 'appropriate places' from now on. This was probably a lie, as I am quite sure I might engage in some inappropriate sex at some point in the future.

But, I explained to him that sex in public is something one earns with me. I will have sex with you, but I will not engage in dangerous activities with you. That's not even the kind of story I can tell. I met this guy one night and I decided to have sex with him in a restaurant bathroom ... or a vacant lot and we got arrested.  That's why I'm on the sex offender registry.  I can't tell that.  I suppose I could. But, I won't. So, I opted for a more appropriate place, or for my bed alone. He suggested we go back to his place.

We did. This wasn't the safest thing I've ever done, but I sent off my usual check-in text. I sent his information to my sister.

Once we got to his place, the rest was sex. He showed me to his room and took a 2 minute shower while I laid on his bed. He came back in his towel and laid down next to me. Then, he touched me. We kissed each other's necks and chests. There wasn't much kissing on the mouth, but there was a little. We seemed to be on the same page there. It wasn't forbidden, but it shouldn't be overdone in this situation.

I hadn't had sex with anyone new since The Maybe Boyfriend. I had been on two dates with him and I had been talking to him for two months, long distance. So, when we did have sex, it wasn't with someone that I didn't really know. We were familiar with each other. But, I wasn't familiar with this man at all. We only knew the few things we had told each other. But, we had never experienced anything about the other person, first hand.

The most I know about him is what he revealed in bed that night.  His touch was soft and gentle. He was attentive and very present. He said he was a face and breast man. He wasn't lying. His gaze, mouth and hands alternated back and forth between my face, mouth and breasts.

The sex was great. He was all the things I hadn't expected him to be. I thought it might be casual sex. It wasn't ... it was really good. Between rounds, he laid down next to me and asked me to share my warmth. This isn't something I am used to doing these days, but I gave in and I did it. It was nice. It was nice to be in the arms of a surrogate. He was gentle, kind and great in bed. But, in the end, he was a surrogate. Because, the one I really want to shower with affection doesn't want it. However, that doesn't dilute or change the fact that he gave me like 10 orgasms and I'm pretty sure my toes haven't uncurled, yet. I doubt I will ever see this man again, but I am glad we had that night. It had been a long time and it was long overdo.

The Ambitious Text

I have long suspected that texting is ruining my dating life. I now know this to be true. It was never easy really. Dating hasn't been easy for anyone since the days of men hitting women over the head, and then, it was only easy for the man.  As a woman, I can't think of a time in which I would rather have lived.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the fact that I am dating, having sex, blogging about it and suffering little-to-no repercussions. I am offered an opportunity that few women in history have been fortunate enough to so freely attain. I am thankful. I don't mean to sound like my dating woes are anything worth complaining about.

That having been said, texting sucks. And for the very same reason that it sucks, I readily use it. That reason? It's convenient. It's easy. That convenience is alluring. It's safer. It's something to do when you are bored. It's so tempting. You don't want to talk on the phone? Not feeling up for confrontation?  Just text. It's easy. So, you can stop talking whenever you like. 

... But, if you should fail to stop talking in time, you canNOT take anything back. Nor, can you easily smooth over dumb statements. So, that very convenience that pulls you in can bite you in the ass. Serious conversations should not be handled over text. And way too frequently, lately, the texts have gone from lighthearted to heavy. It's not a good way to handle even the simplest of serious conversations. We've all had those texts that just didn't sound right. As frequently as we all say things we don't totally mean, I am worse when it comes to texting. 

As of late, I have been far more likely to text something I later regret than to say something that I later regret. Saying something I regret rarely happens lately. But, of course it does. When would I say anything at all? I only text. I have been on very few dates lately and I am not really talking to anyone, so I occasionally talk to The Almost Boyfriend or Lewis. I am texting a few new guys. But, at this point, there isn't much face-to-face time. 

So, I am going to start talking more and texting less. I have had some pretty unappealing text convos as of late and so I am laying off. I am going to fight the convenience of texting. If I want to have the conversation, I will have it on the phone or in person. If I don't want to have it, I just won't have it. I don't get to ride the fence anymore. This whole process is just trial and error. And, in the past year, I have discovered that all the texting is in error. It's time to stop texting and put my words where my mouth is. 

Home, Sweet Home

I graduated! I thought it would never happen. But, two days ago, I moved back to Houston. I am here 'for good.' I worked hard. I wanted this. And .. now .. I have to settle down.

That doesn't mean I have to settle down in all ways, of course ... only that I will be living in Houston full-time. So, I might have to change my approach a bit. Before, it was easy to keep it light and breezy, because I was always about to leave town. The most time I spent in one place was around 4 months. I was always just getting into town or just heading out. I didn't have time to develop anything. If I did create bonds, they were short-lived. They were always built on a foundation of impermanence. I never had to feel anything real.

This was good. I didn't need to be feeling "real" things for any of the guys you have heard about. The only things I needed to feel this past year were a variety of great orgasms and self love. This was a year of getting to know me. I went through months of lots of dates and months of no men at all. It was good. There were ups and downs and it was fun keeping up with all of it and learning as I went.

It didn't just make it easier for me. I think my transience was a desirable characteristic.  I think it made it easier for men. It also made it easier for them to say things that I felt were a bit less-than-honest. They could show interest that they might not have otherwise shown. It was safer, because I was always on my way out the door. I don't think I will miss this aspect.

So, no more guaranteed departures. I have to maneuver the next chapter in my dating life carefully. Who knows? Things might be just the same. My roots in Houston might not bring as much change as I am expecting. I have already had one date and it didn't seem to drastically different than the others... Maybe things in a permanent location will just be business as usual. Either way, it's good to be home. I am happy to be with my family. I am proud of the fact that I just finished a huge chapter of my life and accomplished something I wanted more than I have ever wanted any man. I have a degree. And victory is sweet, so I won't be stopping there. Stay tuned for the new adventures. I am excited to see what the future and this present hold.

Drunk Sex

There are plenty of good reasons why I don't have drunk sex. I generally just like to follow the rules and regulations that I impose upon myself. I don't usually have to be reminded of why. I don't like drunk sex. I remember that. So, I don't do it. Well, I don't normally do it. But, sometimes I slip up and I remind myself. This was one of those occasions.

So, in the wake of the ups and downs of the past few weeks, I made plans to see an old friend. I haven't said much about him. He's mentioned at the end of this post.  I referred to him as The Good Date for a while. Then, I eventually named him James.

He got here early. It was early evening, around 6ish. We started drinking immediately. We had planned to go to dinner, but that never happened. A couple of friends joined us and we had some laughs and more drinks. Before I knew it, I was laughing a bit louder and walking a bit looser. He's really funny and fun to be with. My friends enjoyed him and we all had a good time.

Fast forward to 9pm. My friends headed out and James and I finished off the bottle of vanilla vodka he had brought with him. The rest is a bit of a blur. Which is a shame, because I had really looked forward to blowing off some steam and having a night of healthy sex with a friend. I haven't had sex since Marlon's last visit. Is that true? I'm pretty sure that was the last time. Anyway, it's been a while either way. So, I was ready. The Maybe Boyfriend and I had ended everything and I needed a release.

What I did not need to do is give really 'amazing head' and have 'great sex' that I can barely remember. I needed those memories to get me through the next two weeks. I did not need to wake up wondering why my butt hurt or how I got changed into my night clothes. Why was my homegirl, Pam, asleep on my floor? And why was there a turkey sandwich in my bed? This is all 100% truth. I would never lie to you. There were Doritos too. My mind was left to wonder about all of it, until I got some questions answered. I mean I am not really sure that it's a big mystery that my hand smelled like a combination of balls and vanilla vodka, but I would like to remember the interaction with the balls that left their faint odor behind.

I get drunk about once every 3 to 4 months. And I rarely have sex while in this state. But, this is the second time I have gotten drunk with James and I am pretty sure he thinks I am a lush. I am also not usually an emotional drunk, but I do remember crying to James last night. What the bloody hell? I had a lot of questions for James and Pam. They all got answered. Nothing major happened. Everyone had a good time and James has been texting me funny shit all day. I have been finding condom wrappers all over my room all day.  But, I don't think anything happened here that can't be remedied by a can of Lysol and a shower. Moral of this story? I don't really think there is one. Sometimes you slip up and have a bottle of vodka, forget to go to dinner and then get ass did. Ce la vie.