Tuesday, January 25, 2011

All Of My Boyfriends

There's a new guy.  Not just any guy.  He's not my boyfriend.  But, he is giving off all the early warning signs. We all know that when I started this blog, I was in no place to even entertain the idea of a boyfriend.  I was open, honest and out for nothing more than a good time and new friends.

I have gone on dates with somewhere around 30 men since the beginning of summer and the start of this blog. Some of the  dates have ended in new friendships, some have ended in sex and others have just ended.  I have walked away from dates, never looking back or speaking to the guy again. And, I have walked away from dates to return to the scene of the crime over and over ... Either as friends, lovers, or just daters.

Train Guy was meant to be a one time fling.  But, recently he told me he loved me and we have stopped talking.  I don't believe he ever loved me, nor did I lead him to believe that love was even a possibility. Lewis has become one of my best, most trusted friends.  I thought I loved him for a while, but now, I know I was moving too quickly and I was mistaken.  One thing I know about myself is that I can jump the gun and move too quickly.  The Beautiful One has been purged and resurfaced, but is now gone for good.  Todd only lasted a few dates.  The Player and I recently talked about making babies together. Not in a romantic way.  I was having some I'll never have babies thoughts. And he was just putting my mind at ease.  He's an interesting type of friend. We are not having babies together.  I talked to The Soldier again a few times after our date, but nothing ever came of it.  The Powerful One was scared away by the blog itself.  I wasn't too sad about this. Nothing would have ever come of that.

The Repeat Offender and I talk occasionally and we play with the idea of seeing each other again, but that was just another case of me jumping the gun. We got physical quickly and we created a false intimacy.  There were times when I had no problem drawing the line between sex and love.  Like I have said, I think sex involves some level of emotion regardless of where that emotion lands. Sometimes it falls on the partner you are with currently, sometimes it creates an internal conversation.  I had a one night stand once and the whole time we were together, the man talked about his ex. He even showed me pictures of her and a video of them on vacation. (For better or worse, people find it really easy to talk to me.) The point is, the emotion that our sex stirred in him was emotion for someone else.  Sex can lead you astray if you don't have a clear understanding of what you want.

Then there is Marlon.  He was different.  There was a definite connection. Sex with emotion. I fell for him and I didn't even try to keep it a secret. But, I never thought I would be with him. We had covered that ahead of time. There would be no relationship. It's not what either of us wanted from each other. We still talk and we might see each other again, but we will never be more than what we are right now.  I think he's amazing, but I don't want to BE with him and he doesn't want to BE with me. We are fine with things the way they are.

A few nights before I left Houston this last time, I found myself bored and I scanned my cell phone contacts for someone to preoccupy my time.  There were guys that I knew just wanted sex.  There were guys with which I had past experiences.  A few days before, I had gotten a flat tire and realized that of all the men I was dating/seeing, I had no one I could call for help.  No one that I would call for help if I could. And on this night, I realized that I didn't even have anyone I would call for a good time. I had reached a wall.  Maybe I had used them all up or maybe they had used me.  I have no hard feelings for anyone I have dated in the past months.  But, I don't want to date them.  So, I returned to my online profile for what felt like one last time.  I sent three messages.  One of the guys stood out.  They all messaged back within the hour. Over the next 3 days, I went on 3 dates. But, they were all with the one that stood out.  There was no sex.  There was no kissing.  There was a lot of laughing and since I have come back to New England, there have been endless hours on the phone.  I haven't been out with anyone else, but I'm not going to jump the gun on this one.  I will be away for the next 4 months, so all we have is time.  As always, I'll keep you guys informed.


1 comment:

  1. Such a strangely beautiful woman. While I only know you know through your writings, it shocks me that a man wouldn't be floored by your intelligence and creativity. I can't imagine you're any less interesting in person and maybe someday I'll have the chance to experience your mind, not just your body. Hats off to the man who wins over your mind and heart, for good :)


About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.