Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What Was That?

Head should not hurt. It should never hurt. I hear people joke about really bad head and I think, These hefas just want something to complain about. Head can't ever be THAT bad.   I stand corrected and I owe all those hefas a huge apology.  I recently had a run-in with a man that could not give head. It wasn't even that I was just bored or that he couldn't get me off, but he actually hurt me.

He didn't bite me.  It wasn't anything that blatant. (I still don't believe that there are men or women out there that bite the genitals of their partner in hopes to get them off, but I keep hearing about it.)  This pain was sneakier than that. Dude didn't just chomp down on my lady parts.  He was sly with it. He kind of just eased the pain in on me.

There he was, fumbling around with his hands.  I was not even sure what he was doing to my vagina, but I gave him a minute.  Maybe he was going to surprise me with some technique I wasn't ready for.  Maybe he was just going to pull some magic out of his bag for me. So, I waited patiently,  with high hopes. What I got, was not what I had exercised all that patience for. His hands were like puppies fighting over a bone.  I wanted to say Just stop! 

Just as I was ready to put a stop to the whole ordeal, I felt him moving down. Okay. Here we go. Surely his mouth would have better clitoral GPS than his hands had. So, I got a new glimmer of hope. I perked up a bit and got ready for some improvement. It started off odd. He was clumsy. His hands were working down there too, but he wasn't using them to penetrate me. I wasn't really sure what the hands were still doing down there, and I was starting to get a little pissed off. When the mouth goes to the vagina, the fingers should either enter the vagina, or vacate the premises, immediately. They should not continue their battle with the tongue joining in.

So, after about two minutes of this nonsense, I was irritated. Then it happened. It came on slow and fast all at once. It was like he had hooked a vacuum up to my vagina and he was trying to suck my soul through my clitoris. Don't get me wrong, I like a little soft sucking. It's good. It's great.  This was neither soft, good or great. It was awful.

I pulled all of my composure and patience together and I gently pulled his head off of me as my body quickly jerked away. Sweetie, it's just not going to happen.  As awful as it was, I couldn't be mean to the guy giving me "head." That would just make me a huge asshole. But, for a split second, I wanted to punch him in the top of his head just as a defense.

Afterward, my vagina didn't feel quite right for a little while. But it's been a couple of weeks and its better now.  I have had talks with my clitoris and I have promised her that I won't ever let that happen to her again.  She understands, but I will say ... If I was ol' dude, I wouldn't want to run into my vagina in a dark ally. Revenge would be swift and sweet.


  1. haha!!!! Wow sounds like somebody needs head game lessons. smfh!

  2. you should have taken a timeout! scary!


About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.