Sunday, January 2, 2011

Working Backward

In 2010, I made leaps and bounds.  My road to self discovery was rocky, but it was steady and I stuck with it.  I was strong.  That having been said, I came to a fork in the road last night.  And, I took the wrong turn.  I sat at the crossroads, making my decision.  Then, I entered into my mistake with full knowledge of what I was doing.  Road number one was calm, quiet and serene.  It involved a book and a 10pm bedtime.  A glass of water and a simple dinner.  Road number one was a path that led to a slow but sure future involving good decisions.  Road number two offered something different altogether.  It offered a trip down memory lane.  It smelled nice and it looked great.  It offered a revisionist history of the way things were.  So, I made the wrong decision and as much as I want to say I would change it if I could, I probably wouldn't.  It's a mistake I have been making for years...

You guys all know my stance on dating/sleeping with men that are married or have girlfriends.  I just don't do it.  It's normally not worth the time, effort or energy that goes into it.  There is no judgment in it.  I am no one to judge.  But, I also didn't come to this decision lightly.  I have a history with a married man and after that experience, I decided that I wouldn't test the stars anymore.  I had a nice experience with him and we had a clean break.  So, I decided that after that, I would leave the guilt and sneaking around to the married folks and I would enjoy single life with all of the freedoms it affords.

My situation with The Married Man started around 7 or 8 years ago and ended only two short years after it began.  Like I said, it was a smooth trip and a smooth break.  He was a friend of my boss (at the time) and we kept it all very hush hush.  It was a really murky situation.  It could have been complicated and dramatic, but neither of us were looking for anything dramatic.  We both just wanted to spend time together.  It wasn't innocent, but it wasn't horrible either.  It was what it was.  And after a little over a year of spending hours and hours talking and playing chess and only a handful of sexual encounters, I ended it clean.  He says I cut him off.  I did. I met my ex and I wanted to "try monogamy."  This is exactly what I told him.  And so, I deleted his number and turned down all advances from that day forward.

Just as I don't remember exactly how it started with us, I don't remember exactly how it ended. I know that one day, as I was getting ready for a date, he came over.  We had one last go at it.  I gave him head, then I felt like I was going back and forth, so I asked him to go.  He wanted to make love, but I had made up my mind.  So, I politely asked him to leave. *He tells it differently, but I assure you, I was polite.  And that was it.  It was over.  I had thought about him many times.  I scanned Facebook for him, looked for him when I saw mutual friends, but I never asked about him.  Other than the frequent trip down memory lane, he was completely out of my life.

Until ... yesterday.

5 years from the last time I saw him, I got a text from a number I didn't recognize.  It was him.  He said a mutual friend had texted him my number.  He asked if I felt like getting out and seeing each other.  I thought about it for about an hour.  Then, I threw all caution to the wind and I agreed to meet him for a drink.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.