Thursday, January 6, 2011

Working Backward - Part 3 (The Sex)

Instead of driving home, we both drove to a hotel.  We had decided to spend some time together. Naked.

He picked up the bar tab and I was going to pay for the room.  I had cash and he couldn't put a hotel room on his card. Considering it was an hourly, it was remarkably cheaper than hotels I was used to. I got three hours and went in.  It wasn't too bad.  It was just like any other cheap, seedy hotel. Pretty sure it was as good a place as any to practice adultery.

He got there about 5 minutes after me.  As soon as he walked in, he hugged me.  Then we kissed. It was passionate beyond what I had been used to lately.  Things had been intimate and great with Marlon, but this was different. This was a mix of intimacy, passion and longing.  I had missed him for years.  We had once been lovers and in my younger days, he was the best lover I had known. Things have changed now and I know my body, so I have had more fulfilling experiences since.  But, the first time I knew him, he was the best thing I knew. So, it was passionate.

We kissed for a long while.  I got up from the bed and stood up.  He stood with me and as he pulled my dress over my head, he pulled me close and whispered, "Don't ever leave me again."  I knew I would, but I as I turned my head, his lips drew an imaginary line from my ear to my mouth and we kissed again.  I answered him with my body, but the answer I gave was a lie.

His hands traced my body and made their way up my back.  My bra was off when we laid back down onto the bed.  His lips made their way down my body as his fingers hooked my panties and pulled them off.  It was too late to turn back, but the thought of turning back hadn't crossed my mind.  7 years of wanting had propelled me back into his world.  It had coaxed me into his arms and now, it had gently laid me on the bed and it was propelling me toward orgasm.  My body was there, but my head couldn't quiet down.

His mouth was warm and familiar, but there was an apprehension that I can't identify.  I knew I wasn't going to get there, so I pulled his face up to mine and kissed him.  He stood for a second and I laid there unsure of what I was thinking, unsure of what I wanted, but I didn't move.  He laid down next to me and kissed my neck.  I turned to face away from him and as he entered me, the words escaped my lips. I miss you.  


As he slid in and out of me, he pulled my face toward his.  Turn over.  He didn't ask.  I turned toward him and he got on top of me.  We went through every emotion we had once known and had missed for the past 7 years.  He made love to me, while I laid on my back.  We turned me over and kissed my body.  He bent me over and took out his frustration.  I pressed back into him and remembered why I had left him.  I remembered the way I felt when I decided that he wasn't worth the things he made me feel.

Our trip down memory lane ended just the way our relationship had.  On our last encounter, I had given him head and then asked him to leave.  We ended our trip, that night, with head.  Everything about the way I make love had changed.  I could hear it in his voice.  It was the excitement of someone new and the comfort of an old flame.  As he came, his fingers interlocked mine and he said the words I had longed to hear years before.  He said, "I love you." It didn't feel the way it would have years before.  I had wanted him to love me so much back then, but now, it was just comforting.  My heart didn't sing. The skies didn't open up, but a part of me felt peace.  And, a part of me hoped he was lying.  I wanted to have sex with him and I wanted for him to comfort me for totally selfish reasons.  But I didn't want him to love me now.

We dressed and cracked jokes.  He said he always felt like I was rushing him up after sex.  The banter was familiar.  It was nice.  After we finished dressing, he walked over to me and touched my face.  He kissed me and told me he wanted to see me again.  In a moment of total understanding, he saw the apprehension on my face and he said "I know where my responsibility lies.  I am not going to do anything to hurt my family."  I believe him, but I feel like seeing him again would tempt the fates.

It's his relationship. And if it's not me, it's going to be someone else.  I will not make this decision based on him or his marriage.  I will make it based on what I want for me.  I am already dealing with the idea of being the "Sex Blog Lady."  I am okay with not being anyone's girlfriend, but I am having issues with feeling like I am not special to anyone.  Now, I have to be even more careful that my want to be special to someone other than me doesn't lead me to being "The Other Woman."  He has his wife to think of and I have to think of me.  We both have a lot to lose if things go badly.  I have said many times, there are a lot of single men out there.  I have to be careful that in my search for home and in my search for familiarity, I don't take liberties that aren't mine to take.  I do miss him and I might even love him, but I love me more.

4 comments:

  1. I am not one to judge and I am not judging you now. And though we aren't friends, I do have respect for you and I'm rooting for you to be the best woman you can be. So I'm going to be just as honest with you as you are with your readers. Though you said that you are going to make the decision without regard for his marriage I think you should have regard. He is married and his wife is owed a certain amount of respect regardless of whether you know her or not and regardless if he does it or not.

    You said yourself that if it wasn't you it would be someone else. I think you should factor that heavily into the equation because you deserve better than being someone's option.

    I can't tell you how you feel. But I think that you are having issues with your decision to explore your sexuality and the lack of comfort that comes with this. I think that this would be a step back in your commitment to move forward. I think that you have issues within yourself that go beyond getting to know yourself sexually. With all of that said, you know yourself better than anyone but I do ask that you consider it.

    Sometimes the things that step back into our lives are not there to open a doorway of opportunity but to correct what we should have corrected at first.

    I hope my words helped. And I apologize for any offense that this may cause. Much respect and love.

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  2. "I answered him with my body, but the answer I gave was a lie," great line!!

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  3. Having been in a similar situation it's challenging when there are emotions beyond "just fuck me" involved. When the heart enters the bed...it always spells conflict. You did, ironically the same thing I did. It feels good but you know an I know the karma just ain't worth your soul. Nice memory, now you can say" been there done that...but it's not enough for me".

    I agree, being single is challenging ad navigating the bullshit of single men seems like the biggest fucking headache sometimes it's just easier to pick something easier but truth is there is NOTHING easier. I disagree with the first commented. It's not about exploring your sexuality, you've done that. At this point it's exploring the deep, dark crevices of relationship language. You are clear about what role sex plays. However, once head is given, the orgasm is reached, then...the real adventure begins. And I enjoy learning the highs and lows through your adventures.

    It ain't about the sex folks. Thats black and white. It's about the nature of relationships when you are brave enough to get sex out of the way

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  4. One of your best reads ever. I can really get a sense of how the conflict is felt and understood, yet U illustrate well how the passion & the emotions of good memories R a potent force to B dealt with.

    ReplyDelete

About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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