Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Rejection. The Tale Of How I Wanted More ...

... and why I didn't get it.

I made a mistake.

I know I don't talk about him much, but I think about Todd all the time.  Todd took me on my last 'official date' of the summer.   While on said date, we played pinball.  When I got back to school, I discovered that the school had purchased a brand new pinball machine.  I am addicted.  And, every time I go play, I think about him.  I even take pictures of my high score so I can prove that I scored 25,000,000 in one game.  Yep.  I did that.

Anyway, there is a point to this.  I think about him a lot. We've only been on two dates and we never text or talk on the phone.  We don't IM.  We really don't know each other that well, at all.   But, somewhere in the back of my mind, I see him as someone I would be really compatible with.  He said he would come visit me here in New England, but I don't think he will.  I mean I didn't think he would, now I know he won't.  Yeah, this is the lead in to that mistake I mentioned earlier...

I texted Todd and asked him if he's ever thought of having more with me.  More than just casual dating.  That was the mistake.  I just think about him so much and maybe I have romanticized it all, but I just really liked him.  I don't write about him much.  I don't talk about him much.  I just think about him.  It's just the way I am.  I like to tell my friends that I am in love with every guy I meet.  I like to write about guys and talk about the emotion I feel after sex.  That's just talk.  It's the influx of emotion/adrenaline of something new.  It's different when you think about someone daily.  Especially if you don't talk to them daily.

I talk to Lewis daily and as much as I adore that man, I know we can't have anything.  It breaks my heart sometimes, but it's just the way it is. Aside from neither of us wanting a relationship, we would not be a good match.  We have a lot in common and we are both very passionate, but we could never work.  I know this.  Don't get me wrong.  I think he is amazing and he might prove to be one of the best friends I have ever had.

The Beautiful One is another great guy that I could never be with.  I talk to him often too, but I have really never considered him as more than what we are.  He's great, but he's in love and he's ready to settle down.  I am not mad at all that I am not the woman he is in love with.  I am sure they will be happy and I am sure he will be a great man for her.  I wish him all the best and I want to be his friend, but that's all.

Then, there's Todd.  No one else makes the short list.  Let me just start by saying, I am not in love with Todd, I just wanted to maybe see where it could go with him.  See if there could be more than casual dating.  I wanted to invite him to my going away party, but I thought that was too forward.  Asking him to come meet all my friends and family would have just been too much after only three dates.  I was right in not doing that.  I did invite him to come visit and he said he would.  That was just a fantasy as well, I guess.  I hoped it wasn't, but thought it might be.

I have said it before.  I am not against relationships.  I just don't think my life should be guided by a search for one.  I wanted to get out and date a bit.  I don't want to keep falling into relationships based on the sheer need or want of a relationship.  If it did happen, I wanted it to be more organic than that.  I will consider it if the feelings are there and the spark is there.

I felt that for Todd.  But, he didn't feel it for me. Todd has never thought about me for more than casual dating.  That is what about 20 text messages revealed.  (Note - This is written with the bitterness that comes with a fresh rejection.)  Let me say, I didn't ask Tdd to be my boyfriend.  I didn't say I wanted a relationship.  I just asked him if he had thought about me in that way.  He hasn't.  It's for the best, I am sure.  My relationship fantasies about Todd were just that.  They were fantasies about someone I really hardly know anyway.  I won't say it didn't sting.  I even cried.  I may or may not be teary eyed right now.  But, it's whatever. (Bitterness.)  It is what it is.  Life goes on.

His final response was "Mentioning the blog doesn't help if there is a chance that you are interested in more than casual dating, more info than a potential mate should know."  The trouble with that is, I am not actively seeking a relationship.  I just considered one with him.  I told him about the blog, because it was the only honest thing to do.  Kind of a double edged sword.  He also suggested that maybe I was just homesick.  Maybe I was just stressed.  Maybe he is right.  So, I suppose this is a dilemma that will happen from time to time.  Probably not that often, since this is the first instance in my two years of being single where I have considered entering another relationship.  It was just a thought.

He said I seemed upset after Rejection Fest 2010.  I suppose I was.   I am.  Nobody likes being rejected, but I am a big girl and I can take it.  I am proud of myself for being honest with him and telling him how I felt.  And I am more proud for telling you guys.  I considered a relationship folks.  I did it.  It was a failure.  And now it's time to dust off my chaps and get back on the horse.  It's probably all for the best, because I am not ready to give up the blog just yet and I am sure he would not have appreciated having a blog written just about him, anyway.

I am glad that I got to have this experience.  I like knowing that I can't be pigeon holed, even by me.  I am not a dating machine.  Every once in a while, I will fall for someone and I might be rejected.  I will share that side of myself with you guys, as well.  Happy reading, folks.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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