Monday, September 27, 2010

Support The Troops - Part 2

Aside from the smack on the leg, The Soldier and I hadn't had any physical contact.  It had been a night of good clean fun; studying, pinball and conversation.  I didn't necessarily hope to change that.  I haven't been feeling as sexual as I did over the summer.  I happily accept the changes in my mood.  One thing I do note is that it is a change in mood and not a change in libido.  I'll explain.

Right now, I am looking to get to know people more.  I have started getting a little lonely up here and I am not feeling a connection with any of the guys I am talking to, like the connections I felt with guys back home.  I guess Todd was right about that part.  I am homesick.  And, in that homesickness, I want a connection with someone.  I don't need to have monogamy with them, just something more than a warm body.

Maybe it's too soon to tell, but I didn't sense that connection I am looking for with The Soldier.  However, he is a warm body.  And, once we settled in to watch a movie, physical intimacy took over and my longing for a connection was temporarily suppressed by my longing for him.  He was tall and when he put his hand on my hip and pulled me against him, his grip was firm and his embrace warm.

After we had sex, we talked for a long time.  The sex wasn't phenomenal.  It's no reflection on him, there just wasn't that spark.  Perhaps there was too much alcohol.  Perhaps there was too much thinking.  But, I just wasn't in it.   The talking afterward was nice, but after he fell asleep, I found myself sneaking downstairs to talk to call Lewis.  This is a problem.  I had hoped that coming back to school would put a healthy distance between me and Lewis.  Instead, the loneliness has overwhelmed and I find myself relying on Lewis for that connection, while simultaneously growing emotionally distant from him.  I don't feel the way I did when I was there.  I think it's natural that you lose excitement for someone, if you never see them.  I am losing that excitement everyday and it's making for a bad combination.  He's still just him, but I am changing.

Things with The Soldier indicated that change.  I have been doing a lot of thinking.  Maybe I am just tired.  Maybe it's PMS.  Maybe I am tired of dating.  I did hang out with a guy a few days ago and he was promising.  There is opportunity for that connection.  There is opportunity for him to be a friend and  a lover.  After we hung out, I got a little high from spending time with him, and though we didn't have sex, the chemistry and attraction was there.  Of course, afterward, he never called again.    

This isn't an end.  I will still be writing.  Too bad my libido is still raging even though I'm not feeling the dating scene.  Who knows, I might wake up tomorrow with a renewed inspiration.  I still need you guys to listen and give me feedback.  So, with my head in a book and my thoughts on my work, I am moving on, with no idea where I am going from here.

1 comment:

  1. Change is always scary. Just ride it out. I think that you will find what you u truly want and desire after you experience the things you need to experience.

    ReplyDelete

About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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