Monday, August 16, 2010

Cunnilinguistics

This is a repost from Adam Scott Thompson's blog, New Shoes, or: How Men Really Think
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Fuck what you've heard. Men go down on women a lot-- and mostly without solicitation.

To be sure, it's a labor of "love." It can get funkier down there than a
Bootsy Collins headliner tour. There's that acidic taste (always makes me think of 9th grade chemistry when I discovered what a "pH balance" is) and five-day stubble that would make us sneeze if we weren't so thoroughly committed.

Do what you want with your legs but do
not, in a moment of ecstasy, strangle us with them like a reticulated python. And don't pop your pelvis up into our faces either; it's easier to break a nose than you think.

Your bed sheet will double as a napkin.

There will be a lot of tongue flicking, as most men assume that the
Serpentor method of cunnilingus is most effective. They'll also head straight for your Easy button, so don't be surprised.

If you're the
spitting cobra type (yeah, we're just gonna keep the snake references going), please give forewarning. Men like to be inside vagina but not mug-to-mug with it; it's already stressful without the exploding dye pack effect. And cooch, on its own, is quite unattractive-- especially if it resembles a show curtain.

Look, if the guy's into you he'll
want to put his face in the place, but you've got to coach him. Otherwise he'll be like Moses in the wilderness and you'll never reach the Promised Land. Oral sex is different than vaginal sex-- a man's pride isn't so tightly wrapped around it-- so you don't have to worry so much about bruising his ego by giving him a hint or two. He'll thank you later... when you thank him later.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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