Friday, August 13, 2010

Scared Smart

I am not a fan of acquaintances that get too familiar. I don't think being polite to you should merit your unsolicited criticisms or observations. However, I do have one of these acquaintances. I have a few, but this story only requires that I tell you about one. The other day, said acquaintance told me that she thought that I was 'scared' and that is why I didn't want a relationship. For her, 'scared' connotes weakness, an unwillingness to be daring or take risks. I do not see it that way. I think I am taking a risk by ending my search for a 'special someone.' It seems as though it's a risk either way, because you never know what you might be losing on the other side. So, who's not a little scared.

Truth is maybe she is right. I got hit by a car a few years back and you better believe my ass is scared to cross a street without looking. I have had bad relationship experiences. So, am I crazy to decide that I don't like getting hit by cars. No, I don't want to keep trying until I find the car that hurts least. I am just going to be more cautious. This is not a phobia. It's not irrational. It's actually pretty well thought out. The person that keeps stepping out into traffic might want to take another look at their actions and stop focusing so hard on mine. See, while you were staring at me, another car just hit you.

I have nothing against relationships. I don't fault people that are in them. I wish the best for everyone, but I don't want one. I thought I did for a long time. I was all about looking for that "one." I would meet a guy, sleep with him and then start trying to make him the one for me. It was this race that I really wasn't that into. Yet, failure always made me feel bad. The guys that wanted me right off always hit a brick wall. I was never into that. Never wanted it easy. It was the chase that I wanted. So many people do.

I looked around one day and I saw my friends all running. Running for careers, running for relationships. All in a race to the end. Looking for that final thing that was going to make them happy: the perfect career, the nicest house, the newest T.V., a spouse. Once we attained the these things, once we reached the next finish line in an infinite race, then we would be happy. Okay, let's note ... for some people, relationships come easy... They meet someone they get married and all is well... I am not talking about those people. I am talking about the people running ... My friends that just kept running ... Me. I had to stop running. I slowed my pace. And, slowly, I backed out of the race. There are also some people that are happy just to be racing. I am not talking about them either. I wasn't happy to be racing. I don't even like running like that. I am scared of running. I just need to take a minute to have fun and be happy with my friends, my family and myself ... oh and all the guys I'm dating.

So yes, I am scared. I am scared of putting time and energy into a pursuit that might not offer a return. I am scared of wrapping my life's value and my happiness up in the hopes of a relationship. I am scared of putting my self-worth in the hands of another person or needing validation. I am learning how to give myself those things and how to find happiness in me. As far as a relationship, I never say never. But, If it's going to happen, it will just have to happen. I will have to be swept off my feet, hit with a ton of bricks. Because, I will not be out putting my time and energy into searching for it. And I won't hang my happiness in the balance. I am happy now. Someone will have to offer a whole lot for me to want to stop dating and "settle down." And if this very hypothetical man hopes to stick around, he'd better bring the heat in the sack.

1 comment:

  1. I'm going towards same direction now, I think
    I find something here and there, and they make me happy at that time.
    it's like connecting dots, and between the dots, I am just being me doing things that can make me more curious about everything.
    does that make sense?


About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.