Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Honesty

Honesty is one of the great things about being single.  I get to be painfully honest.  Of course, I have taken honesty to the next level.  Some times it creeps up on me in the middle of the night and I bury my face in the pillows or pull the covers up over my head.  I remember things I have divulged here and I want to deactivate my Facebook account, close my computer and drop off the grid.  Some times I feel cleansed and proud.  Other times, it hits me that people, strangers and loved ones, know that I recently tried anal sex or that I am willing to take a face shot and I feel embarrassed or exposed.  Those feelings pass and I remember that it's still just me.  Whether I keep it all hidden under my sheets or post it for all to read.  I am still doing these things.  I did them before I started this blog and I will be doing them after its gone. Well, accept the anal sex.  That was new.  I started this blog because I wanted to share.  I wanted to give women and men a place to relate to someone and I wanted to feel like I could share and relate and just be honest.  It's no different than the rest of life, it's just amplified and accelerated.  The things I used to keep hidden about myself are all available at the click of a button.  Anyone that wants to know can know and the worst part is over.  I am found out.

So, in the spirit of future regret, here are some things you don't know about me:

  • I haven't masturbated more than once all summer and I miss it.  I don't have any privacy, so I don't have the space to rub one out as often as I would like.  One night I was in bed with a man that I am comfortable with and I knew he wanted to watch, so I masturbated.  No amount of sex can replace masturbation and no amount of masturbation can replace sex. 
  • My mother knows I have this blog, but she does not read it.  We have pretty open conversations, but we don't go into the details of our sex lives.  It's not necessary.  
  • I am a big family person.  Nothing is more important than my family.  
  • I have had two yeast infections in my life.  
  • I don't like to do it, but I rarely find a guy that won't have sex with me on my period.  I have only ever done it when in a relationship, but, again, I don't like it.  It's too slick.
  • I have never had an STD, but I have a lot of friends that have had run-ins and scares and it is a terrifying thought to me.  
  • Pregnancy scares are equal to the thought of an STD.  Terrifying. 
  • I have a mustache.  It's not a full stache, but it's enough.  I keep it waxed, but sometimes if I'm in a pinch, I will run a razor over it.  
  • I don't like men in porn.  Most of the time I only focus on the women.  However, I find sex with women to be boring.  So, most of the time, I find porn boring. 
  •  I am not equipped for a threesome or an open relationship.  I would rather be one on one and I would rather just date and not put a title on it at all.  But, if I date a guy too long, I start getting jealous and I have to end it.  I can't be fair.  It's hard for me to separate my actions from my expectations.
  • I don't talk about my past relationships much and I never talk about them on the blog.  This is not about them.   
  • I was hit by a man in when I was a teenager and I immediately left the relationship.  It was surprising, but I had already made plans to leave.  Something felt really wrong.  I was never hit by anyone else again. 
  • I regularly think about what life would be like if I had married my ex.  I sit alone at dinner sometimes and wonder what we would talk about if he were there.  It's not really sad, just more curious.  
  • I had an abortion when I was 19.  I have curiosities about that life as well.  
  • The only regret I have from my past resides in the memory of the way I reacted when I found out the man I loved cheated on me.  I let it break me for a little while.  I don't have long-term regrets about anything else.   
  • I am dark, my ass is not.  I need an ass tan.  
  • I have one inner labia that is slightly larger than the other.  Just slightly.  I don't know if this is normal, because I have never talked to anyone about it and I don't remember noticing it in porn.  It causes me no pain or inconvenience.  
  • I like my breasts and my best friend used to tell me that he was embarrassed to go places with me, because I was that old lady that stands and rubs on her breasts unknowingly while in line at the DMV.  
  • I play with my ears.  All the time.  It used to just be when I was tired or nervous, but now it's just something I do. 
  • I loved being in a relationship in the height of when it was good.  I used to wake up on Saturday mornings and play dress-up while he watched from bed.  Then, we would spend the entire day making love and laughing.  Saturdays are never like that anymore.  
  • I have physical insecurities just like everyone else.  Most of mine are with my stomach and butt.  I am not too fond of those two parts of my body.  My stomach is an especially vulnerable place.  Letting a man touch my stomach is like therapy.  I try to do it often.  This was the hardest one to share.  That's why it's last.  
Remember, these are just my secrets.  This is not a full account of all of the details that are me, just the most embarrassing and lesser known facts.  Hopefully, there are people out there that can relate to some of these truths.  Or, maybe not.  Maybe this post was just a catharsis that people will read and shrug off.  Either way, it's me.  It's not necessarily the tale of every woman, just of this one.  Burying face in pillows and pressing 'Publish Post.'  

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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