Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Nice Girl

I have always been the preamble to the Nice Girl.  In the past, I dated guys and they either broke up with me for her or started dating her immediately after I broke up with them.  I am the primer for the Nice Girl.  If you want to meet the one for you, sleep with me.  Oh, it's not me, I need to go home, but you will meet her soon.  Trust me.

The trouble was, when I thought I wanted a relationship, I was never viewed as the Nice Girl.  Guys might fall in love with me, but somewhere in the back of their minds they didn't think I was the marrying type.  Now, this could have been the product of a few things.  I could have very well been putting it out there that I would not be the one for them, because I did not want to get married.  I really didn't even want to be in a relationship.  So, maybe it was a vibe I was sending.  This is possible and highly probable.

But, the other possibility, the one that hangs in the back of my mind, is that I can't be the Nice Girl because I enjoy sex.  A lot.  I used to lie about my sexuality.  I am not proud of it, but I did it.  Most women do.  Look at the woman lying next to you.  You don't know how many men she's been with.  Either you haven't asked (good for you),  or you asked and she gave you a number you could deal with.  She lied to you because you should have never asked that shit.  If she asked you, then shame on her.  That conversation shouldn't come up unless one of you is a virgin.  And even then, if you feel like you need to share, don't expect your partner to reciprocate unless you are really ready for the answer.  So yes, I lied about it.  I don't anymore.   I don't volunteer my info, but if asked, he better be ready to know the truth.

Whether the men in my past could sense my eagerness to vacate the relationship or they just didn't think I was nice enough, the fact still remains that there is a pressure on women to lie about their sexuality.  A man wants a woman that is good in bed, but he wants it to be a magical gift, not something she learned through exploration.  While this isn't the universal truth (no truths are),  it is a large part of our culture.

Here are some ground rules for women and sexuality in our society:

Women can fall into one of two categories.  You can either be the Madonna or the Whore. So, you can be the mother and the wife or you can be sexually liberated.  You can spend your days ironing and cooking or you can spend them on the streets making money.  These are very extreme cases of the Madonna and the Whore, but they are roles that are prevalent in our society nonetheless.  You see it in television and in movies and yes, in real life.  The pressures are there.  So, you have two options.  Pick one.

You can be a freak in the sheets, but you have to be a lady in the streets.  This is another option. Live a double life.  This way you can act like one thing and be another.  Best of both worlds, right? Wrong.  It just makes you a hypocrite and a liar.  I don't blame you, I know society has forced it upon you.  You need to be able to satisfy your man and still be able to hold your head up at Sunday dinner.  So, here's what you do... If you are sexually active and 'promiscuous,' you better do your best to cover it up.  Hide your sexuality until it's time to let it out for the person that should get enjoyment from it, your man.

Those were the options, but this is the golden rule; You can't turn a hoe into a housewife.  If you have ever been promiscuous, then you can't possibly ever be someone's mother or wife.  Silly woman.  And aren't these the main things that women aspire to:  The Hoe or the Housewife, the Madonna or the Whore, or the life of dual citizenship in both?

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Fuck that.  I am me.  I am a nice girl.  I am all the things that I am.  I can wake up in the morning, have sex with you, rush you up out of my house,  make it to work on time, give a presentation on the gender gap in American voting records, come home and cook dinner for myself, invite you over, give you the best head of your life and still make it to drinks with my girlfriends.  I am a best friend to all my long-term lovers.  I give emotional support and comic relief.  I am a great person to call if you need anything.  I am resourceful.  I can change the oil in your car, change a flat tire and still look fly as hell when I go out.  I have a foul mouth, but your mother still loves me, because I'm sharp witted and I help clean the kitchen after dinner without her having to ask.  Your dad loves me because I am funny and charming.  All your friends think I'm dope, but you don't ever have to worry about me flirting with any of them.  And don't even think of trying to flirt with my girls, because I make friendships with bonds that no man can break.  I have an amazing relationship with my family and I am a responsible loving daughter.  I am great at math and I am better in bed.  I love sex and I am a good person.    

So, I don't fit into those categories.  I don't fit into any mold that society has prescribed.  I'm not a hoe or a housewife, I am not the Madonna or the Whore.  I am a freak in the sheets but I am always a lady, whether in the streets or the sheets.  I don't want to be your girlfriend or your wife, but I am still a good woman.  Actually, I am a great woman.  That's not even the big news.  The big news is you passed up about 30 other great women getting here, but they were all still attempting to fit some mold, so you only got to see one-tenth of who they actually were.  I'm done trying to fit the mold.  My back hurts and I gained a few pounds.  So, I may not be your Nice Girl.  But, from here on out, I am just going to be the great woman that I am.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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