Saturday, August 28, 2010

Nice To Meet You Love. You Look Nothing Like Your Pictures.

I had my 'last' night with Lewis before heading back to New England.  But, we didn't say 'goodbye,' we said 'later.' In the end, the summer romance that I had longed for was a complete success.  I got to experience romance and the freedom that comes with just enjoying someone and getting to know them, while not having expectations or limitations.  My time with Lewis was definitely my heaviest and lightest experience of the summer.

Love is Separate From Monogamy. Duh.

This has been a hard concept for me.  As I have said, it has been hard for me to decipher exactly what I am feeling for Lewis.  I realized this is pretty common for me, the only difference is I am not bringing someone else into my confusion.  I needed to figure this out on my own.  This is what I got.

I don't want Lewis to drop everything and love me.  I don't want some romantic grand gesture.  I want him to keep grinding and doing the things that he loves, because that is what makes him the man that he is.  I want him to send me silly texts every once in a while.  I don't want him to want to spend his life with me and I don't want to spend my life with him.  I got really confused when trying to write this.  The primary source was all jumbled, so I went to the secondary source.  I hit him up and we had a conversation.  It was effortless.  And that is it.  He is effortless for me.  He was there.  He was honest and he was easy.  After talking with him, I was even more clear.  Can I get an "Amen!" for a man that doesn't confuse me?

So, here it is.  I love Lewis.  I would be an asshole and a liar to say that I don't.  And it's not in the way that I have love for everyone.  It's very specific.  It's very much a love that I only have for him.  I love what he did to my life.  And it doesn't matter if he says the same or feels the same way, because it's about what he gave, not what he says or promises.  I don't need promises or words.  He gave me support, friendship and love. And, he gave it to me as I was.  This was the first time, ever, that I dealt with a man as me, without a front.  He knew the good, he knew the bad and he still drove across town to pick me up, because it was ME that he wanted.

This summer, I have been Me Raw, unrefined, no bleaches or preservatives added. And this is the important part.  This experience with Lewis taught me that the best me is just me.  I don't have to hide anything.  I don't have to compromise who I am.  I don't have to sugar coat my feelings or hide them.  I just have to be respectful and caring.  We did what I wanted to do. This romance was an introduction to what healthy relations between two adults can be.  He proved to me that it could be done.  You can have someone that just makes your life better.  I didn't lose myself in him and he didn't lose himself in me.  We found comedy and strength in each other and we supported each other.  I want lovers that enhance my life, not ones that over take it.  Romance as I knew it is dead.  This shit right here is the real.  It's practical and it's passionate all at once.

But, as I promised you guys, this isn't going to be the tale of the woman that went off alone to find herself and in her journey found a man.  I simply came across a man that helped me realize I don't need a relationship, but I do need the occasional dose of love.  So, I will continue on my journey. That's not the end of things with Lewis and me.  We will still talk.  We will continue to encourage each other and we will be friends for a long time.  This was passion at the next level.  Lewis and I turned it up to 11.  It wasn't this fire that burned hard and fast.  It wasn't a short lived romance.  This was a foundation.  It was the foundation of a great friendship and the foundation of my new way of life.

Honesty kills apprehension, it forces you to be okay with yourself and it will set you free.  Honesty forces you to really see yourself.  When you are forced to defend your actions, you have to really look at yourself and see if the things that you are doing are really okay with you.  It might hurt like hell, at first.  You might bury your face in a lot of pillows and cower under covers, but in the end, when you walk down the street or sit in your room, you do it with your head held high, because you know that the people who love you really love and accept all of you, not some picture you have painted to try to get approval, love or respect.  So, in conclusion, I would like to thank myself.  Thank you, me.  Thank you for being honest with a man and with yourself and figuring out that honesty is, in fact, the best policy.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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