Dear Prospective Date,
I have always said I don't really care about money. This is true for the most part. I don't have to be taken on lavish dates. I don't have to be picked up in a luxury car or taken back to make love in a big house. Modesty is just fine with me. I am not superficial. I am not a big consumer and I am not a gold digger. Everything I own can fit into two suitcases and 4 boxes. I am a simple woman.
But, there are certain ways that money does play a part in dating. I know what you are thinking ... "And here it is. She says she's not about money, but there's always a catch." Wrong! There's always practicality. I don't mind if you have responsibilities and you can't take me out and spend money. That's cool. But make it interesting somehow. Make some sort of effort. If you aren't that interesting, then I'm sorry, I am going to need a drink ... or three. If you are creative, or we dig the same things, then we can kick it and I will probably never notice that you didn't spend a dime.
Another thing. You need a car. This isn't me being superficial. This is me being sans car. I take the bus. I am all about public transportation. But, if you want to have an evening with me, I can't catch the bus at 2am. My bus stops running at midnight. So, I'm going to need you to give me a ride home. I can catch the bus to your side of town, but you have to pick me up or meet me somewhere. Two bus riders just doesn't work. I have tried. It's okay for lunch and coffee, but if you ever expect to sleep with me, or see me at night, you need to have a car. Or you better have a place near a bus line and a creative date planned. Actually, I would be willing to try this. If you think you can pull this off, hit me up. I'm game.
On the subject of getting me in bed... I am only in town for the summer. While I am here, I do not have a place of my own. I need you to have one. A house. An apartment. I don't care if you share it with a roommate. I do care if you have parents or a kid at home. I am not trying to meet your parents or your kids on our one night stand. If you do live with your folks, you need to be able to afford a hotel. Hourlies are fine, but I expect no less than 2 hours. (Less than that is hardly worth risking scabies.) I'm in town on a writing grant and the summer is almost over. I'm broke. If I had cash I might split the cost of the hotel with you. Or, I might go home and masturbate. Depends on how interesting you are. Once I get back to New England, I will be happy to take dates back to my dorm room, where we can awkwardly pass my 20 year old housemates watching Glee on the couch, then proceed to the privacy of my own four walls and locking door. It's not much, but oh how I miss it these days.
Last thing ... If we have just met ... No, I will not take you out. I will not buy you dinner. I will not buy you a ticket to the movie. I will not loan you 2 dollars till Friday. I will not buy your drinks. This is not a good first impression. If I get to know you and we are cool and can take care of yourself, then I will use my last two dollars to get us both a bottle of water. I will leave the tip. I will tip your cabby. I will surprise you with dinner or a nice little gift. I will not give you a payday advance. I will not pay your lights. I will not feed your babies. I will not pay your rent and I will definitely never ask that you pay mine. This is not harsh. This is smart. I have done stupid shit like loan a guy money in the very distant past. It never turns out well. Trust me. If I have to take care of you, I will resent you. Because, I don't need anyone to take care of me. I am not delicate flower. I can pull my own weight. But, I can't carry yours too. Independent means I can take care of me. I think you are looking for codependent.
I don't need you to be rich, I just need you to be self-sufficient and able to extend the offer of a ride if it is raining or some water if I am thirsty.
Thank you in advance for a great date or comedic blog material.