Sunday, August 1, 2010

No Sharing

I met Lynn many years ago. I was dating this guy. We'll start there.

The guys aren't the important part of this story. But, for those of you out there, you might want to listen up. This affects you too.

I was in my early 20's. I was a year or so out of an awful 2 year relationship. And, I couldn't have been happier to get out and meet people. I was "meeting" lots of people. Well, I met this guy. I mean I met him, I didn't 'meet' him. He was one of many and his name was .... we'll come back to that. So, he would come over and we would talk. I had an apartment that I shared with a roommate. So, he and I would go into my room and sit on my couch and we would talk and laugh and make out. It was very young. He was cute. I sort of liked him. Nothing to write home about.

One night I went out with friends and when we walked into the bar, I saw him across the bar. He was sitting with another woman. She was pretty. I walked over and said hello to him and he introduced me to her. She seemed cool enough. We chatted for a second, then I excused myself to the bar. A moment later, she came up to the bar. We talked and she was hilarious. We had an instant friend connection. There was no jealousy or anger over dating the same guy. She was funny, cool and pretty. I wanted her to be my friend.

The reason I didn't tell you the guys name earlier is because neither Lynn nor I remember it. He comes up in conversation occasionally as an anecdote. But neither of us have seen him in years. We probably couldn't pick him out of a line-up, but we both dated him.

This was the last time Lynn and I ever had a common denominator. We have an unspoken agreement. We don't overlap. I can think of instances where I wouldn't really care; guys that wouldn't really matter to me. But, just to be safe, we stay out of explored territories. It's not always easy to do. That's the beauty of relationships, though. The fact that there are agreements and regulations that keep it working. "Part of what makes a good friendship is a conscious effort to be a good friend." - Lynn gave me that one today. Smart girl.

So, like so many married couples, Lynn and I have limits on who we can sleep with. The difference is married couples have an agreement to never have sex with anyone but one person, whereas with Lynn and I, we only have to cut out a few guys and we can have all the other men our little hearts desire. It's not a bad agreement.

Occasionally we have friends that don't know of such agreements. They have never had them with their close friends. I'm always amazed. I think I just assume that everyone tries to keep it as clean as Lynn and I do. They don't. These chicks will date their best friends' ex sometimes. Not cool, ladies. Say your dating a guy your friend has slept with; She might not tell you, but your friend takes 5 minutes every night to stab a voodoo doll with your name on it. She doesn't like it. Friends don't like it. If you have felt it, then you remember it. You didn't like it.

As for the guys, they need to tread very lightly. I don't care what it is we are doing ... occasional casual sex, talking, texting, or dating, don't try to holla at my friends. It's not a good look for you. This is how you get gone. Most likely, if you are involved with a cool chick, her friends are cool too, and they are going to tell her that you suck and then none of them are going to talk to you. So, if you are going to try to get with one of Cool Chick's friends, you might want to pick the less intelligent acquaintance that no one really cares for. That way, when Cool Chick cuts you loose, you still stand a chance at sleeping with Cool Chick's inferior "friend." Guys, if you have a cool chick and you hollered at her friend, most likely, the friend told her and you got your walking papers. That's how real friendship works.

Lynn and I have a good relationship. It started as the most boring love triangle ever and it's grown into a debaucherous friendship. We are both single. We realize that if a guy is going to try to get with your friends, he isn't about anything and he isn't worth keeping around. Like I said, it's not about the guys, it's about the friends. We don't feel that we have to trample each other to get to a man. There are a lot of men out there. Life is not an every-woman-for-herself race to a courthouse to get a man and a marriage. It's a leisurely stroll to the store, with your best friend, to get a 40 and a pack of smokes. So, just relax. Slow down. You don't have to mess with a friend's ex. Give it 5 minutes and another dude just as good or better will pass by.

*This applies to friend's with benefits, casual and open relationships and guys I have crushes on. This rule is not to be fucked with and any violation will be a deal breaker. No exceptions.


  1. “It's a leisurely stroll to the store, with your best friend …” I think that is so true. But me and my friend’s stroll ends with cake and ice cream!

    Wait on chemistry, wait on the spark, wait on the special … it’s worth it (as long as it’s within reason, lol, :)

    I say this from the experience of having a couple really great ple (special loves) in my life so far … and I say it from those who are so happy with their new version of normal, for which they paid many dues. We keep trying until we get it right, or get it as close to right as we can. So I’m single now, but so inspired by my past, my friends and their loves, and well Gods’ promise. It’s worth waiting till it’s right.
    Now dating an ex’s friend … I think there are exceptions. If I was really bad to my ex or if I didn’t really care-CARE about them … it’s fair game. I have no issue with people I know dating exes in general. The only betrayal is if the person was really bad to me. If my friend decided to date my ex-JERK, then that would hurt. Complete slap in the face. But if it’s someone whom with I just didn’t click, well then no harm, no foul. Now if I really cared about the person and it didn’t work out, it would hurt at first. But then I’d have to be a big person and get over it. It helps if significant time has passed but I don’t own anyone. And if I’m on good terms with both parties, and they truly click – more power. I would want them to be happy. Sometimes, it just sincerely, innocently happens.

    Now personally, I’m not big on “seconds” but the truth is one person’s trash is another’s treasure … and this can happen within circles sometimes. And I don’t see it as a matter of trust, betrayal or major principle.

    I know, not the popoular opinion ... ehhh

  2. I should add that this is coming from being someone's trash ... and knowing what it feels to become someone's treasure :)


About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.