Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Missing: The Female Orgasm - Reward Offered

Ok, so I conquered that whole insecurity thing (glad that was short-lived) and I am back to my confident, know-it-all self. I took a day off from writing, because I felt like anything I wrote would be reactionary and laced with PMS. For the return, I felt it best to talk about something that makes me very happy. And, nothing makes me happier than cumming. Hope you enjoy my tale of The Day I Met My Orgasm: A love story in two parts.

I recently got a letter, in which, the author talked about how she had not had an orgasm. She is 31 and she lost her virginity at 25. That's 6 years of (off and on) sex and no orgasms. I wondered how this could be. Fruitless sex seems believable enough, but the idea of never cumming during masturbation was a mystery I could ponder for hours. And I did. Here are the Spark Notes...

I remember my first orgasm like it was yesterday. I was 17 and my first boyfriend and I had just started having sex. We negotiated our way through most of our sexual experiences. We had decided that we would lose our virginity together. We were both excited, probably overly so. And so, one night at a party, we snuck off to a dark part of the yard and without saying anything, without making-out or talking, without negotiating our way through it, he told me to lay down on my back, he lifted my dress and he went down on me. This was my first sexual contact. I didn't let him do it long. I was embarrassed and scared that we would be caught.

But later that night, in a laundry closet, I laid him down and got on top of him. I pulled a condom out of a small pocket in my dress and together, in a laundry closet, we lost our virginities. It wasn't what I had imagined. Of course it was awkward. It hurt a bit. There was dirty laundry next to his head. His brother walked in on us and our act was cut short. About a week later, we would finish the job on the floor of my bedroom. The bed would have made too much noise.

Soon after, we started working on making me cum. We tried a lot of different positions and we had a lot of discussions. We were both nerds. This wasn't just a matter of me getting sexual gratification, it had become a project. We were determined to get me off. God bless this boy's tenacity. He was a go-getter, indeed. So, one summer day in 1998, on my couch, while watching Terry Gilliam's Brasil, I had my first orgasm. It was vaginal and it was unreal. I had wondered if I had had one before, but all of a sudden, I realized there was no way. You know it when you have one. There was a strange feeling of familiarity that made me think I had had orgasms in dreams before. That probably deserves a post all its own. Either way, I had never had one in my waking life until this point and all at once the world was right.

Poor guy. After that, I always had sex with a goal. I wasn't very good at it yet. I was still learning, but I always wanted to cum. So I clumsily fumbled through the act until I stummbled upon the right spot and, ope, there it was. It was easy enough for him, he was a 17 year old boy. It took more work for me, but I always got there. I blush when I think of how sloppy and uncoordinated we both were. But we were learning and having fun.

I think this was key for me. Ever since my first partner, I have made it a point to develop and nurture a comfort level with all of my partners. No matter how long-term or brief our encounter, we are always learning and always having fun. I might not be best friends with them, but at the very least, we are partners in sex, and I have a special place in my heart and mind for guys that gain access to my body. And once they have gained said access, they have a job to do and a responsibility to fulfill. Unless its a pre-negotiated 'quickie,' they need to put in work.

I also have a close relationship with my body. As I have said in the past, I can almost always reach the promised land. At times, I get started in my self seduction, only to realize I am not feeling it. In these cases I usually give up the task pretty quickly and settle in with a book or bypass all other things to go straight to sleep. If I am overly tired or stressed, I don't even bother. Sometimes, masturbating serves to relieve stress and other times, I can't get out of my head long enough to climax. For more of my personal masturbation routine, click here.

For me, an orgasm requires the perfect mix of comfort and tension. You have to be relaxed enough with your partner and with yourself to be able to let go and essentially make an ass of yourself. You tense up. You make funny faces. You claw at the bed, couch, floor or back seat. You moan; You yell. A lot of times I feel like I have just made a fool of myself and then my partner cums and I realize that whatever just happened, it must have been pretty damned hot. I don't like to generalize, but from my experience, every single sexually active straight man alive enjoys making a woman cum. It's just naturally in them to want to please, because for that moment in time, it makes them feel like they are the best man alive, like no one can make you feel as good as they can. For the most part, that is true. At the moment of orgasm and for the time immediately following, I have an actual physical high and I feel a kinship with the person that helped me get there. This is not to be mistaken for love. Reference - Train Guy.

The more I thought about this reader's sexual history, the more clarification I needed. I called on friends and found out that some of them hadn't ever had a vaginal orgasm, others had never cum with a partner and others hadn't cum with a partner in a very long time. Some had only recently experienced an orgasm with another person and others could only cum while standing on their heads. Okay, not so much the last one. But, you get the idea. A relationship that a woman has with her orgasm is personal and complex. For some, it is simpler and for others it takes a little more effort.

I could give advice, but that's not really my thing. Personally, I clench my hips and ass in tight when I am on top. When I am on bottom, I elevate my hips and tilt my pelvis, pushing into him with all my force. Sometimes, they do all the work and I just lay back and try not to fall in love. But I don't think these details are the ones keeping women from their orgasms. The physical details may help, but I think it is deeper than that. Men know why they are having sex. They are having sex to feel good. They are having sex to cum. Women are and have since birth been taught that sex should be about more. That you should save yourself. That you should only have sex when you love someone. We are made to feel cheap if we just 'give it away' to anyone. Meanwhile no one tells us what we should be getting in return. Satisfaction. That is what we should be getting. Real physical gratification. We aren't pin cushions for a man's enjoyment. We have a natural sexuality and we naturally want to cum. We get aroused. We get wet. We tighten up around a man. We pulsate and we want to cum.

So, I am telling you today. Sex isn't about more. Just wipe that from your minds. It can be about more and when it is, it's beautiful. But, for now ... in this moment ... I need you to close your eyes and remember one thing. Sex is about feeling good; Feeling good in all kinds of ways. It's about health and happiness. It won't make your life complete, but it should be something you enjoy doing. If you are going to have sex, you might as well get every bit of pleasure from it that your partner does. It's not just your responsibility. You are helping them get off, and they need to be helping you. So, the next time you are about to get intimate with a man, tell him if you have trouble cumming ... tell him if you have never orgasmed. Stop faking it. He will take it as a challenge and he might just be the person that introduces you to your orgasm.

If you aren't comfortable talking about sex just yet, then you need to take on the challenge yourself. Call in sick to work. Lay down on your back, turn on some porn or envision the hottest things your brain can imagine, form your index and middle fingers into a 'come here' cupping position, place the pads of those fingers on your clit and slide them into your vagina. Feel for a ridge at the opening underside of your pelvic bone and find the rough, or less smooth, patch of skin. Apply pressure and massage firmly. Use your other hand to slowly and deliberately rub your clit. Move your fingers in a 'come hither' motion and just play with this area until you feel it. I don't know how to describe it, but it's the beginning of your path to orgasm. Your body knows how to explain it and if you shut out all the outside noise, forget everyone's misconceptions about women's sexuality and allow it, your body will tell you where to go. Just relax, listen and cum.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.